i jhust puked up my retainher.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
