I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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