That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
