I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
