Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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