I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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