You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
