Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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