his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
