How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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