his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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