When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
