Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
