her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
