he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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