Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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