So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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