If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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