They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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