You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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