I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
