FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize