OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
