His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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