so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
