Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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