3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
