oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize