Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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