6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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