I wish my penis had an off switch
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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