i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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