Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
