dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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