her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We're using joints as your birthday candles
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
