Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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