i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
