I am in a vortex of obligation.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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