dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
