dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I didn't notice because vodka
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
