I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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