Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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