I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
