Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
