I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
