Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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