So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
