I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize