His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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