I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
