So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
