I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
