Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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