24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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