I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
