She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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