my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
