wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
