Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
