I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Don't make out with my wife yet
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Two words: blizzard sex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
