8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
