the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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