i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
