That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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