party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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